MyLastBreathWasted

Reminds me of him

2005-02-23T05:04:40Z

I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all i've done.

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Anywhere from here

Light up, Light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder, louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

To think I might not see those eyes
It makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbyes
I nearly do.

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder, louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

Slower, slower
We don't have time for that
All I want is to find an easier way
To get out of our little heads

Have heart my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess.

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear.

RUN ~ Snow Patrol

*I heard this song on my way home and I started bawling. It just reminded me of Robert so much it makes me cry.

He called me his little sister :(

2005-02-21T06:14:12Z

I cant belive I'm even typing this. He was just here, he was just hugging me telling me he loved me and that we needed to spend more time together to catch up. I'm in hysterics what the hell am I suppost to do? I cant lose anyone else I just cant. This is fake, a dream anything but real. I cant think, my mind is a blur. I need Wig I need Eric I need my guys. I was just sitting in his room learning to play the guitar. Watching him dace with my sister and being crowned KING at prom. Just hearing about him messing up the laser. Going to his shows. Seeing him at parties. Please dont say this is a wake up call to call all of your friends to say that your sorry, I heard that shit so much when steve died and it pissed me off so bad. Someone dies and then you realize how precious life is? Its not fair, ok people became friends again, people love eachother again, well done but tie the ends before a tragedy. Realize how precious life is NOW! Before people realize it becasue of your fate. I will miss him uncontrolably and pray that he has a spot in heaven that looks down on all of us. This was not suppost to happen to him. Why him? He was a good person, he didnt have an enemy, not one. He was loved and cared for and looked after and he left us behind. He hugged me at steves funeral and bawled his eyes out and now we have to do the same for him? Its not right! Something went wrong it wasnt suppost to be his time! I cant help but cry and be sad and feel like a piece of my heart has been ripped out of my chest! I have no closure no goodbyes no nothing. I cant even imagine what his parents are going through right now. We are suppost to bury our parents! They're not suppost to bury us! I'm so mad and so angry and so sad and so helpless. I gotta go. RIP Robert McClure forever and always you will be in my heart! I love you more than you will ever know!

*I just need to be held

Singing songs that make you slit your wrists

2004-12-07T05:59:12Z

Ok who thinks that its been too long??
::raises hand::
yea thats right I do!
Ok so whats been going on?.........
I did the hardest thing imaginable this week, I went to a viewing of Mr. Steven Tauber, the most incredible person I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. I didnt know him to well, from Robert, and the band, from TSYs apt, and from Brooke. But he had an affect on people, he knew exactly what to say and never made you feel pressured to fit in, you just did. He acknowledged you when you walked into a room. It was so weird seeing someone in that state, you thought at any moment he was gonna walk up and wonder what everyone was crying about. The hardest thing to do was see all of these people that I know and love and care about, upset and crying, I had so many people break down and cry on my shoulder, I think there is a permanent puddle on my shoulder from all the tears. It was so hard to see Eric with puffy red eyes and a tear stained shirt, thats when I lost it, when I saw Eric. In all honesty I was scared the most to see Brooke, I didnt know how she was going to take it, and I knew all I would be able to do was hold her and listen, and thats exactly what I did. I'm not much of a talker, so I listened to her tell me about all of the fun times they shared together, I hope I helped. I saw Andy, Wig, Squanto, Icebox, BootyMatt, Trailor, Ashley, Sarah, Amanda, Robert, Corey, Kyle, Eric, Wyatt and so many other people. Brooke and I were so amazed at how my people's lives Steve had affected. We couldnt help but smile, I think people thought we were nuts, smiling at a viewing. I didnt make it to the funeral, damn those SATs. But I heard Raigh and them came down, I know it meant a lot. But its really amazing how everyone is coming together and becoming friends, but shitty why. Like why didnt one perfect person have to leave us in order for us to realize how precious life is. It doesnt make any sense. I dunno its all in Gods plan I guess, just his plan is a little fuzzy to me right now. After the viewing I went to Zacks to watch The Oc, I felt really bad because I was so Emo and pretty moody. I passed out on his bed from all of the crying I had done earlier. He cuddled with me and held me even when I laid right in the middle of his bed and took all of the room, he understood and didnt say a word. Even with make-up running down my face and even with red puffy eyes, he still told me that I was beautiful, I think I fell in love with him all over again that night. I saw Josh Perez at the viewing and told him my biggest fear in life..that I would die and no one would come to my funeral, but he promised that he would come, so I'll be sure to make sure he gets a seat ;) I'm really kinda flabbergasted(yea you like that dont ya) about everything. I feel like I've been living in a dream for the last couple of days. Maybe it's all that time I've been sleeping on the couch thats gotten to me. I dunno. I got my Christmas tree, and decorated it, its starting to feel a little bit more like Christmas. I still have so many people to buy stuff for, its just crazy.

This is really crazy but these Bible verses came to my mind:

Matthew 5:4
Blessed and enviably happy are those who mourn for they shall be comforted!

I Thessalonians 3:7
Bretheren, for this reason, in our stress and crushing difficulties we have been filled with comfort and cheer about you because of your faith.

I've Gotta Be Honest I've Been Waiting For You All My Life

2004-10-21T05:00:14Z

Pumpkin carvings, candle light, swing sets, ringing phones, annoying brothers, cuddling, pumpkin seeds, knives, pumpkin gunk, hand holding, body warmth, red noses, kissed cheeks, driving, dashboard, jackets.....fall weather. And he loves kissing me, thats right he said Loves
Seriously the best day/night ever.
<33 xoxoxoxox
It's so weird how I wait to see him all day, what I look forward to all day long and then I hate when he gets here because then I know he'll have to leave me again. We have all the fun and give all the kisses we can until it's time for him to say good bye and tell me how bad he wants to stay but just cant. But he will, he'll stay one day and wont leave me and stay forever.

You Wouldnt Know A Good Thing If It Came Up And Slit Your Throat

2004-10-20T01:13:25Z

Wow its been forever since I've written anything. But the time has come yet again to spill my guts and write how I feel YAY! I started a new job at the school that I graduated from, so no more Piccadilly for me YAY! But did anyone hear about what happened to Piccadilly? This guy found like rat pieces in his turnip greens at the Southlake one (I worked at the one in Stockbridge) yea it was crazy. But HAlloween is coming up and I'm so excited! I got my costume and its gonna be great! Trick or Treating with Jenna and Zack and Chris is gonna be fun! Eric please go and Dino you need to go too! I got to wake up two Sundays ago to the most amazing beauty I have ever seen. It was the most incredible night I have ever had. It's just indescribable. It was real though. A candle light and a soft conversation is all that keeps me happy. I went to Tribulation Trail the other night and it was fun, I went with Jenna, Chris, Zack, and Nathan. It was good times. After Trib. Trail was even better, took Zack home made a stop first, great times. Dino called me the other day and I couldnt believe it. He was like my best friend in the 9th and 10th greade and I got to talk to him finally it was fun, we've talked a bit a day to see whats been going on in eachothers lives. I missed him I'm glad he's back. Eric got an apt finally and I'm so proud of him! I love my job, got my man, and love my life, it doesnt get any better!
xoxoxoxoxo

I stole this from Raigh :*

2004-10-07T00:01:21Z

THREE THINGS I AM WEARING RIGHT NOW
1. black pants
2. long sleeved walmart shirt
3. socks

THREE THINGS ON MY DESK
1. notebook
2. bible
3. cd's

THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE
1. hold zack as he whispers and tells me goodnight
2. hear zoe bark one more time
3. live fast and die young

THREE GOOD WAYS TO DESCRIBE MY PERSONALITY
1. loud
2. obnoxious
3. snuggly

THREE BAD THINGS ABOUT MY PERSONALITY
1. forgetful
2. angry
3. loving

THREE THINGS I LIKE ABOUT MY BODY
1. my hair
2. my nose
3. my eyes

THREE THINGS I DON'T LIKE ABOUT MY BODY
1. my smile
2. my feet
3. me in a bathing suit..period.

THREE THINGS MOST PEOPLE DON'T KNOW ABOUT ME
1. I cry often
2. I dont have many friends
3. Me and me little brother dont get along

THREE THINGS I SAY THE MOST
1. fuck
2. is that right
3. suuure

THREE PLACES I WANT TO GO
1. all over Europe
2. New York
3. your moms house

THREE NAMES THAT I GO BY
1. Sondra
2. Sondrasaurus Rex
3. HEY YOU!

fuck you

2004-10-06T04:39:11Z

What a shitty day.

my dog died and I'm getting attached, this sucks

The Best Feelings Go Unnoticed

2004-09-28T05:28:39Z

It's finally happened, I can die today, tomorrow, or even right now and be happy.
I finally got kissed in the rain. Hurricane Jeanne me and you are cool now.
Zack came over for dinner and to meet my family (how scary huh? if you know my family)
But I think he impressed everyone including my dad which never happens. But he impresses me everytime I see him. It's not fair, he does everything right, he plays with my hands, rubs my back, pushes my hair away from my face(that is the sexiest thing anyone can ever do) and watches Spongebob with me. We cuddled, kissed and made cute little kissy faces at eachother, it just cant get any better until the next time I see him. He totally suffered and ate a huge piece of pork which he doesnt even eat and suffered through my moms german potato salad, I felt so bad, suffered through all that just to eat dinner with me and my family. I kiss him like I mean it, I havent kissed anyone like that in a long time, not since Stephen, but with Stephen I thought I was in love, but I wasnt I was just settling for less than I deserved. So am I telling you this is love?...no, am I telling you this isnt love?.....no. I'm telling you that I feel something when I curl up next to him and fall asleep with him rolling his hands through my fingers. I feel some what safer in this world when his arms are around me. I feel better about myself when he compliments me on my clothes, my make up, or my hair. I feel how genuine his heart is, and how he tries to keep an open mind about my music or my "hardcore" friends apposed to his "hippie" lifestyle. And yes, we are completely opposite, and we dont agree on anything besides our favorite ice cream flavor and when the best time to make out is, but theres more there and the more you try to find out whats there the more you miss out on what the relationship is bringing you. So am I worried about what this relationship means? a little, but I'm more worried about what outfit I'll wear to see him next. But I am totally 100% committed to him, thats what I need, I need to be committed to him, screw all these little hardcore kids that wanna be badass and break hearts. But will this relationship be one where "I Love You"s can be exchanged? Who knows unitl the time comes. I'm just completely and utterly happy right now, so be jealous, be envious and just be happy for me.

Several Ways To Die Trying

2004-09-23T06:25:13Z

OK seriously I have never given or received so many friggin kisses in my entire life and I loved every second of it. I love making kissy faces with him, I love leaning in for a kiss and busting out laughing, I love kissing him and feeling his hands find mine at the perfect moment. Today was seriously the best day of my entire life by far. Went in for a job interview today, actually it was my second one, I got a call back, so I might have this amazing job so please keep your fingers crossed. Went to Costco all by my lonesome bought Dr Pepper that weighed twenty pounds more than me and went to eat with my dad. Waited for Zack to get out of school so that we could go to Moes(sorry jason)and went to Media Play with Zack, only to see the biggest spider that I have ever seen, I ran out of there and had spasms, I swear I felt things crawling all over me. I think I freaked Zack out, but that spider was HUGE. Found a nice cozy spot in Media Play parking lot with Zack and listened to Dashboard fill the air. Won a bet and got kissed from Hands Down to Carry This Picture, now for those of you that arent as big of Dashboard fans as I am, thats 4 songs, a total of 13 minutes....wow thats a lot of kisses. Went back to Zacks to say hi to the folks and guess what...more kisses. I didnt want to leave, I found the coziest spot on his chest that I could have fell asleep in, it was great. I found him, the cuddler, the joker, the friend, the boyfriend, the romantic, all wrapped into one human body, I cant believe it. I have a boyfriend, thats so amazing to hear from my mouth, I'm excited. I'm the biggest dork around him and the biggest brat, but it's ok he likes me anyway. He opens my doors for me and pays for everything(zack the next date is on me) I'm finally happy, we dont have a thing of music in common and actually were quite opposite, but once were together you can just see the sparks and see the unspoken attraction there. At least I see it. I'm finally happy, its incredible.
<33333333333333333:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:*:* thats what our night looked like:)

I'll Bring the Mic, If You Bring the Mosh PIt

2004-09-20T08:10:49Z

Holy shit its been a while, well lets see,
Moved in, and lost my internet for about 2 and a half weeks, can you imagine no my-space or live-journal for 2 and a half weeks, I'm suprised I made it this long. But nothing really great has happened, oh I got my license and I have been driving everywhere and anywhere since. Hung out with Zack and its sad and worry-some to say, but I think I'm falling for him :/ I'm not supposed to, I have been hurt so many times and it's strange how one person can make you so happy, how one person can complete your day just by saying goodnight to you. I don't know, maybe it'll last forever, oh wait thats right I'm 17 and a teenager, everthing goes wrong during your "teen" years. lets jam

Eric: your my best friend and you diving out a window rocked my socks
Chris: please don't give my sister anymore hickeys, and let me sleep in my bed!
Jason: never kick me and Jenna out again! it's sister action how could you! but I'll forgive you this time
Brooke: congrats on your job! I miss talking to you.
Wig: don't be mad get glad! everything happens for a reason
Raigh: friends come and go, but I'm sorry you had to experience everything you have.
Zack: don't break my heart

But Zack went to Boomer's for his 18th birthday and I'm super weird but I wanted to know all about it. But I went to his house for his birthday and met his family, so it was nerve wracking and scary, but all in all a fun filled evening. We went to see without a paddle and it was so funny, this black chick was giving a complete stranger a lap dance during the moving, me and Zack were cracking up! It was so funny. And I got kissed and got butterflies and it was the best. But of course the "what the hell are we" conversation hasn't come up yet, so I'm expecting that one any day now. But there are soo many shows coming up, its gonna burn a hole in my wallet, Taking Back Sunday, Yellowcard, Avril, Story of the Year, and all these great bands that I love are playing, so I cant wait! But I got to see Valentine, Jasons new van to go on tour with, and it's amazing, I could live in that van, I love the condoms in the cup holders, I mean you never know haha. But yea Chris has been over here everyday for the past 2 weeks and Im going insane haha! I've been sleeping on the couch a lot so Jenna totally owes me! I'm just trying to be as happy as I can make myself. I'm a good person at heart with bad qualities in mind thats all. But I know who I love and can't be with, thats already done and in the past, we've already talked about this and it just wouldn't work. So he's moved on and so am I. I think I've found someone who will make me happier then "he" ever could, makes my heart jump at his sight and my body tingle with his touch, I can't wait to see him again, you should be envious. the end. But I'm taking Eric out to eat tomorrow for no reason and it'll be good times, yea I said it good times. But hopefully it wont be another 2 weeks before I update, so keep a lookout!
<333333 Listen to Dashboards new CD, #4 is mine and Zacks song! ha!

Annie Go And Get Your Knife To Take A Brass Knuckle Fight

2004-09-03T04:23:27Z

ok so my weekend was awesome!
I know its thursday but I'm still gonna tell you about my weekend!

Friday:
Went to play pool with Jenna at Fun Bowl, met up with FattMatt and Jap who played with us. Showed off our new house to them and got scared because it was soo dark but it was good times. Went home and went to sleep because I had to be up at 7 for work at 8! ahh that sucked.

Saturday:
Went to work at 7 til 11 in the AM and it sucked really bad.
Went to the show at the Moose Lodge and saw the best rap group ever and booty danced with Agent Black who has the biggest ass ever!
Then we saw a group called Mean Girls (keep in mind it is a group with all guys!) But they were soooo good it was really funny.
Then One Way Letter played and I fell in love, they are really a great band! I need to buy their cd really bad!
Then TSY played and of course they were amazing! Me and Sarah and Brooke were right up front screaming their songs which was sooo much fun! I cant wait to get their new CD!
Then Angus Dei played and some kid sprayed pepper spray into the crowd of moshing kids and everyone was screaming it was so dumb. Then some fight got started and all I saw was CJ push some kid to the ground it was funny. But I hung out with Eric which I absolutely love, I read one of his new songs and it was sooooo pretty, I cant wait for him and Vancouver to sing it to me. But we hung out at the apts and watched Jake eat twice and it was sooo sad.:( but me and Julie fell in love with a puppy there and were going to steal it it was sooo cute. But then Eric took me home and I went to bed.

Sunday:
Worked on the new house and went to work at 4.
Then Eric and Vancouver came and watched Bad Santa with us.
It was a funny movie!

Monday:
Went to Blockbuster and rented The Marix.
Saw Zack and asked him to go to the Further Seems Forever show with me, and he smiled......mmmm smile. And called him at like 12 and talked to him like almost 2 and it was such a good conversation! I havent had a good conversation with anyone in a long time.

Tuesday:
Went to the mall with Jenna in the morning to get new outfits for the show. Took Jenna to work and went with my mom all day. Jenna came home and we went to Ross and the mall again to look for outfits..haha were outfit freaks. But we finally got good outfits and Chris came over and so did Zack and we all went to the show together. We parked and got harassed but some black guy about parking and then we got harassed again by some guy with one leg, ahh I love downtown. But the show was amazing! The new singer for FSF is such a good singer! And Zack held my hand and got the flutter flies, it was soo nice. But we all got to meet the lead singer and the lead guitarist of FSF and Jenna got his autograph, she kept saying, I cant breathe, I'm gonna throw up, so it was really funny. And Zack held my hand during the car ride home and it was soo goood, be jealous. But we got home and I walked him to his truck to tell him goodbye and sparks flew and ahhhhh cant say the rest, but it was good mmm:)

Wednesday:
Worked on the house all day and packed up all most all of Jennas room, and took her bed apart. Went to the house at like 11 and left at 2 in the AM! We could not put that bed together it was sooo sad!
But Chris and Eric came over because we were scared and it was raining. While Jenna and I painted the bathroom, Eric and Chris played with power tools, it was scary. But we left at like 2 and crashed into bed

And now its Thursday and nothing interesting has happened so thats lame. But tomorrow is Jennas birthday so call her and tell her Happy Birthday! But Cartel is playing this weekend! And you better go! You will find me there! Its at 1 and its 8 dollars at the Masquarade!
See you there
<3333

The Perfect Outfit to say Goodbye In

2004-08-23T03:58:56Z

I'VE FUCKING GOT GAME!!!!
AHH YES I LOVE IT!!!
I LOVE LIFE AND I LOVE MYSELF RIGHT NOW!!!
I'm tired of waiting around for people to notice me.
I made myself noticeable and there was no drinking, stripping or provocative clothes wearing of any kind!
But he's seriously great and that smile!
Ahhh I could look at it for days! mmmmm
I' such a dork around him and I think he gets me a little bit.
But it's still to early to tell.
I danced today, in the streets, for a damn good reason.
But I danced to no music except for whatever was playing in my head, probably Routine Summer, that song has been stuck in my head for days.
But I danced and people stared and laughed, but I had fun.
I'm a happier person.
I also had a good...wait scratch that...GREAT cry the other night, no real reason to cry but I did. The tears just same and started pouring, like those cries where you cant breathe. I'm not sure if it was a sad cry, or a happy cry it just came and left. But it was what I needed. And I'm glad it happened.
But I want a relationship, I want to cuddle and hold hands and yes......kiss in the rain. That still hasnt happened, but I'm waiting on it. I want to be nervous and have butterflies, I want to have sunrise talks and have little romantic things waiting for me.....and I want to fall in love. hmmm I want it all. Is that so much to ask? But I'm rushing everything, I have to take things slow and not expect to much, I mean were "just friends"....so far.
But I was eating this piece of bazooka joe bubble gum and reading the comic, and the comics have little fortunes on them, so I was reading it and it said "one day everyone will know your name". So I was excited, but this girl at work asked me what I saw myself as in 10 years and I said a model, I want to be famous, I want to model, act, sing, I want to be famous. thats all. I just expect to much. But I'm happy, so it's a start!

I apologize in advance for these tears of blood that stain your carpet

2004-08-20T03:52:46Z

Ok it seriously has been too long since I updated.
But not much has changed...me and Jenna are still working on the house, we move in next weekend, so that's exciting....sorta.
I tried to put purple streaks in my hair, didn't turn out like I wanted but it's there. This 31 year old guy that comes into Piccadilly every Thursday and every Sunday wants my number....oh but he's hot. I've been hanging out with Eric a lot lately, well not lately but over the past week or two. So everyone thinks were dating now. But as far as I know we're two good people that enjoy eachothers company and have a good time together.(oh Eric it's me and you hanging out this weekend, just thought you should know) But you know.... oh and I heard some shit that was said about me, and I wanted to talk a little about that....
I am not a bad person at all. I'm very nice if you get to know me and I dont believe I have any enemies as far as I know. If you dont like me ..that's just fine, but that doesn't mean I'm going to say shit behind your back. It's even worse when you're supposed to be my friend and you say shit behind my back, and I dont want to sound whiney or anything, but what you do say about me is hurtful and it does make me feel dumb for even trying to make friends or trying to be nice. I don't have many friends, and when I do meet someone new, I do try to throw myself at them, just so I can have someone to talk to. But then I can be the real me and trust you with things I say and now it's like you have to watch what you say when YOU BRING STUFF UP AND ALL I DO IS PUT IN MY OPINION! So when was it a crime again to speak my mind and say what I want to say? Oh that's right it's not. I mean all I did was put all of my trust in you. I talked to you more than I have anyone in a long time and you turn my words around to make me look bad, and for what? Something to talk about? Yea since I'm such a great conversation piece. You always say "Kill the Drama", or "Save the Drama for your Mama", but you say shit about me? nonstop? You only want to kill the drama, when you're the one being talked about. Have you noticed that? I sat there and listened to you say, "I dont't like when things are said about me." But you turn around and say shit about me like it's ok. fuck that. Being a hypocrite isn't a good look for you. But you know what? I'm still the same person you left smashed on the ground. And I will forgive you and I will trust you again in a heart beat, because one sentence words and held in feelings won't make me happy. It's so unbelievably sad how immature some people are. I am 17 fucking years old and I'm more mature then these 20 something year olds that are saying shit about me. That's sad, you graduated from middle school years ago start acting like it! But anyways I have better stuff to talk about besides how incredibly pissed you made me.....

I bought, oh sorry "pre-ordered" TSY's new cd the other day, it better be good for 10 dollars. I haven't been to the apts since that day I went to AA with Eric and Wyatt. Its been that long. I can't even remember when that was. I saw Alien vs. Predator and it sucked ass. It was so bad and so cheesy. LAME ASS. But I saw Collateral twice. It was that good and Tom Cruise was super hot in it with his grey hair. I was supposed to have plans on Saturday, they were gonna be the best plans ever, but I never got a call, but I heard and read about how fun it was, so yea. I gotta quit P-Dilly, it's killing me. All the hours and the heat, god I hate it. But I hate a lot of stuff, like gas prices, cell phones, bills, fighting, John Kerry, anit-Bush music, anti-Bush rallies, abortion, gossip, haters, broken promises, lies, cheating, love, hate, when Donnie Darko dies, being so far away, privacy, cleaning, drama, and having my hair the same for more then a week. Ok maybe I dont hate Kerry and I'm not even old enough to vote, but whats really getting me is, AND THIS IS MY OPINION, but when Sept 11th happened all I heard everywhere was how mad everyone was and Revenge Revenge Revenge, people everywhere were questioning when we were going to fight back because we as America don't take shit from people. It was the right thing to do in my eyes, capture the bad people and the people that want to harm us. And now all of the sudden everyone wants peace, I don't think the people that lost someone in the twin towers want peace, they want justice for the ones that they lost. But now everyone is mad at Bush for sending troops over there and for putting lives at risk, and maybe theres more to the story that I don't know, and more I haven't heard about, but thats how I would vote. But I'm not all into hate, I love stuff too like, driving, laughing at the stupid stuff me and Eric do, Zoe, dying my hair, catching up with old friends, making new friends, coffee in the evening(D.C.), staying up so late and sleeping all day, when Gretchen kisses Donnie Darko, being emo, having an opinion, standing up for whats right, doing the unexpected, laughing til it hurts with Brooke, having Christie stick up for me, having Eric throw plant parts in my mouth, watching Jason and his band perform, having Jenna with me when I sleep. See now do I sound like that bad of a person? I didnt think so. So back off and let me live my happy emo life ok? thank you

Born with Eyes Wide Open, Hoping to Die With Eyes Wide Shut, So I Can Die with You In Mind.

2004-08-09T05:57:40Z

Ok lets see whats been going on......
Yesterday we started fixing up the house, besides me and Jenna tearing out the carpet, me and Eric filled up all the little holes with this putty stuff, climbed on the roof, played with carpet muncher, good times. Got the house key today, wow exciting. Went to work, nothing really special. Eric came over to hang out because I was sad, he comforted me. Me and Eric went to Wal Mart, I love Wal Mart, it's like my second home! but me and Eric went there, he rode around in one of those machanical scooter things for a second, then we played cds in the CD section. We played the Kids Country CDs and some Gospel CDs as loud as the CD sampler things would go, it was fun. Me and Eric went to Taco Bell, I ate the Emphala thing, it was really weird. We had this lady come up to Erics car asking if we wanted to buy her hamburger for 2 dollars, I think she was a hooker lol. But we ate in the parking lot and Eric jumped out of the car and screamed "I'M FULL!!" like on the commercials, scared the hell out of me! Then we stopped at the gas station and made fun of the "meat in a can" things. Then this big gangster with all these gold necklaces and gold teeth came in and I was wearing Jennas "I <3 NERDS" shirt, so being a dumb ass he says, "You love nerds?" mmmm "Yea", "Well I'm a NERD" hahhhahaha..........no.....no your not. It was scary so I put my candy back and ran back to Erics truck, fun/scary times. mmm Eric threw a plant in my mouth, it was really mean, lol, he made fun of my mail box because it tilts a little bit. And thats it I think, Brookes mad at me, dont think she'll be talking to me much anymore, which sucks. Wish people would mind their own business and leave mine to me. But I don't know, I suck at this whole "friendship thing". But I had a really fun night and we'll see what tomorrow brings.

Put a sheet over the window hope the sun wont shine in so I can hold you and watch you dream forever

2004-08-06T04:38:02Z

Ok I haven't done a single thing really that's worth typing but I'll take a stab at it anyways. We officially own two houses, yea it's ok, my sister and I tore the carpet out of the new house today and it wasn't as much fun as I would have hoped. The neighbors dog came over and followed me and my sister around and watched us cut carpet. It was funny because the dog started eating the carpet, we don't know the dogs name so we named him carpet muncher....and no it's not ironic. Last night I went to an AA meeting because of Florida....haha ok it wasn't because of Florida, but I went with a friend becasue he had to, it was inside of the psyciatric ward, so I was soo scared, I kept looking over my shoulder, I was freaked out.It was really fun and a little scary. I never want to be in that place, get up in front of everyone and say, "Hello my name is Sondra, and I'm an alcoholic" so I refuse to get to that point in my life ever. After the AA meeting we picked up a case of beer...no that isn't ironic either, and went to Jays and watched South Park. Beer is really gross tasting and I'm not really sure how Eric, Jay or Wyatt can drink it, I didn't drink there, but I still know that beer is really nasty, I guess its a mans drink. But I made ramen noodles, I learned that Jays ramen noodles are really hott and have too much pepper in them! I also learned that I saved everyones life in the apartment because "someone" forgot to turn off the stove. I ate two ice pops, which I really shouldn't have because they really are that addictive. dammit. damn those ice pops. Oh I took advantage of Bob the Builder, and he still has that smile on his face :) I drove a lot today and it was fun. I got pissed at this guy when he turned in front of me after he saw me coming at 60 miles an hour, ok maybe the speed limit was 40 but Vindicated was on the radio and it put me in a good speeding mood. But I flicked him off and it was funny because Jenna yelled at me for doing it. I need a new job because P-Dilly ain't cuttin it anymore. I'm hopefully going to get a job at A. a vets office, or B. at a bank with my friend Christie. I got a modeling portfolio that was sent to New York and California, so I hope something happens with that. Wyatt is soo dependable, he said no one has ever told him that before so I thought I would let whoever reads this thing know. I had a lot of fun last night and it felt like things haven't changed and I really like that. I really do. I love being around people I care about. And for some reason I can't talk or laugh as much as I do with Eric, its so strange. I'm so quiet around everyone but once I get around Eric something clicks and I can't shut up, it's a good thing. Katy is soo lucky to have a guy like Eric. I miss not having Eric and Wyatt two minutes from my house, it's different. Me, Eric and Wyatt went house hunting yesterday and came to one conclusion, my house is the perfect house for them. So they might rent it, maybe. I have to talk my dad into it, but I am praying that he says yes, because I want the best for my guys...wow that was lame, but I do. But this is sooo damn long, its ridiculous. I'm going to see what mischief I can get into....wanna come? Great..meet me in the drive way, I'll wait for you in my front yard. And if you don't show then I'll tell myself that traffic is really bad, and if you still don't show I'll call all the hospitals to make sure you're not there, and if you still don't show, then I'll still be waiting. Yea I'm the emost, just the emost.

SAVE THE DAMN BUNNIES!!

2004-08-02T23:08:14Z

OK So Ive noticed that I haven't put a single thing about me moving in my eljay. But yes, I am. I am moving to McDonough because that's what all the cool kids are doing. My sister and I have bought a house and we believe it closes on Wednesday, so we have to rip up carpet and paint and do all of that fun stuff, so if you willing to help then please do, I don't have any money so I can't pay you, but if you want to help to poor little girls move into the next party house then you are more then welcome to. Now onto the fun stuff, shit is still being said about me and that's cool that I am the center of peoples comversations. I went to Warped Tour on Wednesday and it was soo much fun! But it was so hott and so expensive! I almost passed out and Wyatt had to save me like always! I would be lost without Wyatt. I watched Cartel and of course saw Joseph play, and man did he look hott!( I promised that I would put something good about you in here) but they are a great and amazing band! So it definatly "ruled my face" as Raigh would say. hahah I had a really weird dream about me and Jason and Brooke and Eric and someone else...I think it was Josh P. but I cant remember, it was crazy. good times! OH BROOKE I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE THAT SAYS GOOD TIMES ANYMORE!!! I took Brooke out to eat tonite(ok she drove but I payed) but it was for her first day of school. I never really went to a real high school, and I kind of regret it. I miss prom and I miss the guys, I miss all that good stuff so all thats left is college. I saw my ex-boyfriend today crossing the street and it was really weird! Brooke said he was hott, I just had to laugh, we laughed at him for walking and not having a car. God I love Brooke, we just laugh the whole time we're together! So yea I guess it's on this weekend, not sure what's going on but hopefully me and Brooke will be hanging out and getting into trouble. But I think that's all for now. I'm tired and don't have much to say right now. So yea, Joseph I kept my word and you are now a part of my eljay, you should feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside! I always keep my promises.

Kill the Motha Fuckin Drama

2004-08-01T05:18:12Z

Ok heres the deal.
Me and Brooke are friends! We hang out all the time!
We talk about guys, girls, and lots of other boring shit that no one but us should care about. Now all of the sudden I'm telling everyone everything she has ever told me?..... that doesnt sound like me at all. But people are spreading shit about me saying that I'm telling them stuff about Brooke which totally isnt true. The sad part is...there is no way to prove that I'm telling the truth. Which sucks, and this isnt the first time that this has been said about me, so it makes me look bad and it makes me lose friendships.
First....I'm not in love with Jason.
Second...I would never talk bad about Brooke.
Third....I have no reason to snoop in someone elses life and tell their secrets. Theres no point, why, to get Jason whos in a relationship with Jessica, oh yea thats a smart move, come on!
Jason is a really great guy and deserves to be as happy as he is now.
Brooke is the best person in the world and doesnt deserve to be talked about and neither should I.
So if your talking shit about me, if your saying that I told you some bullshit story about Brooke, then your wrong. And if your saying shit about me to cover your back, thats even worse, everyone stop being childish, stop acting like this is middle school and fucking grow up and keep my name out of your mouth! I havent done anything to you for you to talk about me! I havent done anything to anyone to deserve being questioned as a good friend. Not a damn thing. I hope this hurts someones feelings. I hope this gives you nightmares. I hope I dont find you first!
Kill the Drama Before I Kill You!

I'm drawing a blank

2004-07-27T02:33:50Z

How is it humanly possible to drink so much that you are totally oblivious to what is going on? I guess I am a lightweight and drinking 4 cups of Captain Morgans isnt such a good idea.....what did wyatt call it not drinking.....inhaling, thats it. I'm a mess I drank Saturday night and still feel sick. Eric saved me from myself though. He tied me to a fucking chair! omg, I "woke up" strapped to a chair, funniest thing ever. mmmm I puked all over Jason, and I puked on Wyatts shoe, Erics hand, and gross enough to say....all over myself {I cant hold my liquor}. Icebox drew a big ass pink smiley face on my back and it wouldnt come off, but Gabrielle got it off with nail polish remover. Eric taped me being drunk and its so sad, I cant watch the whole thing, I have to get up and leave. I look at the tape and see my face and my body on the screen, but its not me. I'm not a drunk, I'm not one of those people at the party that no one wants to be around. I'm not that person. Then how do you wake up the next morning to show your face again? Its so hard. I feel like a dumb ass and I think if Eric wasnt there then I would have died, no joke. I would start to hyperventilate and he would start yelling at me and I would stop, I would say goodtimes but its not appropriate right now. I really lost a lot of respect for myslef and I think everyone else did too. I feel like I ruined everyones trip. It makes me sad to think about it. So if Saturday night wasnt bad enough, Me, Brooke, and Gabrielle got in a wreck Sunday afternoon. Brookes brakes failed and we crashed into the beck of a truck. It smashed the front of her car in. Her hood stopped the windshield whippers, scary enough, were all fine, Brooke bruised her knee, my shoulder hurts where the seat belt was, and Gabrielle, well shes fine too. But it was a good trip I guess, except for the weekend. Will I go again? In a heartbeat, I gto a kick ass tan. Minus the drinking, it was a good trip.

But Only A Kiss Can Really Set Her Free

2004-07-17T17:06:50Z

ok I love Sergio! I love his accent and his "poetry" to me!
I am now officially 17 and I couldnt be happier!{except Jason, Christine, Christie, and some other people didnt see me on my birthday!!}
I went to play pool yesterday and got hit on by this pretty hott guy and Brooke already knows the hilarious story behind it. I guess I'm happy, but..maybe I'm not and isnt this journal suppost to be emo and make you sad? Then you can look back and realize how dumb you were for being sad and how much happier you are now? hmmm maybe now is not one of those times. But I'm a good decent person. I'm about to go to Florida with Brooke and I couldnt be happier. I need to get out of Georgia, I need to get away from the drama, the lies, and the guys that Georgia has to offer. I just want to meet the "perfect" guy that will treat me right and with respect. I just want a guy that doesnt want sex, wants to cuddle and go off and even stay at home. OH! and the most important thing...he needs to be band free! I am soo sick of guys that are in bands! I cant take it! But maybe I'm just to high maintanence, Jenna said yesterday when someone asked why I was single, she said "because no one can tame her wild heart" and maybe thats true. Maybe my heart is to hard to tame and thats why so many guys have come in and out of my life so much. They try to tame me, but they just cant. I dont know, I'm ready for Florida, I'm ready for the beach, the fun and the sun!

Birthday

2004-07-14T14:46:51Z

ITS MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!
OK that is all

I'm better off alone anyways

2004-07-13T00:24:11Z

Ok lets see whats new........
hmmm I love Eric, hes so cool and makes me feel bad when I'm in trouble and need his help! haha I'm kidding, eric is a great guy and looks damn fine in boxers.....mmmm did I really say that?
Ok new subject, my exboyfriend is calling people and telling them he will kill them, not a good thing. Mosh Matt broke edge, and was piss ass drunk when I saw him at Wyatts. Umm I picked up my other half{Brooke} at the airport today. I didnt realize how much I missed her. HEY BROOKE YOU KNOW WHAT!!! YOU HAVE PERFECT TEETH! I HATE YOU FOR THAT!!! I WANT PERFECT TEETH TOO!!! umm Jason called me out of nowhere! It was crazy! I have a funny story to tell him! But more than likely I will forget what it is. I saw Ashley G., she was piss ass drunk and hugged me, it was soo cool I thought she hated me. Chavon hugged me and kissed my neck so many times! made me feel good! that warm tingly feeling on the inside. Wyatt is the greatest and I owe him sooo much! He drove me alllll the way to the airport to get Brooke, alll the way to Wendys to eat, alll the way to Brookes house, alll the way back to his apt, and then drove me alll the way home. I owe him about $200 in gas money. Im tired of guys! Stop it! Stop bugging me and my friends! Just Stop! I DO NOT WANT A BOYFRIEND! Maybe a dating friend, but no more relationships to much shit to deal with! I'm better off alone anyways! But I want to party and be surrounded by guys! because guys make the best drunk friends! OH YEA YOU KNOW WHAT!!!! ITS 2 DAYS BEFORE MY BIRTHDAY! I cant wait to tell people that I'm 17, it sounds more mature! Oh and when I saw Wigwam at Wyatts he looked so deep into my eyes, so deep I thought I could never look away! He wanted to say something I know he did! But what!!! I guess I will never know!

Are you happy now? Becasue I am!

2004-07-07T03:38:26Z

ok here we are again! lets get this shit straight before it hits the fan again. For starters I love Brooke, she is my new friend and its awesome, I love her soo much she my first girly friend in the longest time. I've been surrounded by guy friends for too long. I'm glad I have Brooke now, I hope she doesnt get sick of me. Were going out to eat tomorrow, breakfast and get our toes done before she goes to Florida. I'm going to miss her soo much! Now the real stuff, me and Matt broke up, ok? happy now? you got all in my business, started a fight and its over? ok, good. I'm sick of guys anyways, treat us like dirt, I dont need a guy to make me happy at all.I have my guys
and I have my Jenna and my Brooke thats all I need to be happy. I need to lay low, lay off the guys for a little while, I'll be fine, good things happen to those who wait so great things should be happening to me. but thats it I'm done, oh and if your commenting me, dont put anonymous, I hate that shit!

You whisper nothings into my ear.....I never said they were sweet

2004-07-05T01:05:02Z

OK too much to say and not enough brain power to fit it all in here. Ok lets begin, I love Jennie ::sidenote:: as I write in these things I will write that I love someone new everytime. I love Jennie and I love her house and I love her friends and I love her parties. Ok ::scene 1:: Sondra walks into Jennies looks at all the people around and feels proud of herself because she knows more than 2 people there, she turns to her left getting hugs everywhere, turns to her right and what does Sondra see, a naked person,::name witheld:: OMG it was awesome! ok lots of drunk people and lots of making out, but whats funny is I got kissed like twice, not counting the 50 times that Matt Todd kissed my cheek and my neck as he was talking to me! I love Matt todd! OK so when I say I got kissed, I mean pecked, no making out, sorry if I dont know you then I'm not letting a random guy stick his tongue down my throat. ok ::scene 2:: Sondra is walking around going from person to person saying hello when all of the sudden a noise approaches ::SPLASH:: yea Jennie has a huge ass pool! and the first person in, Waddy. Great Guy. ok so then a bunch of people jump in good times everywhere. A sudden feeling is felt as an arm goes around my waist. Its him, why did it have to be him and why is that feeling still there when he touches me. not good. He look in my eyes with the drunk love that I know all too well. "Jump in with me" he says, dammit I wanted so badly to be like everyone else and strip down and just jump in. "Jump in with me", he says again, "no, I dont have a change of clothes" I say wanting so badly for him to argue and tell me how bad I need to jump in. And he did, and its sad when he puts up a great point even when hes drunk, and also if I look uncomfortable and dont want to do something this is all you have to say to me and I will totally change my tune, unless its like drugs or something. "Come on Sondra I want you too, you only live once" he says. Shit he said it and now I have too. So off go the glasses ::first mistake::never wear/take off your glasses at a party. off go the shoes and the socks my belt, starting to have second thoughts. He pulls me along to the deep end and all I try to do is get away, I dont want his hand in mine, I dont want that look in his eyes anymore, I dont want to be here at that moment, but at the same time, this is exactly what I want, its not fair, its not suppost to be like this. So he puts me on the diving board, looks in my eyes and says my final words "You ready"? No! I wanted to scream
"I'm not ready I dont want to!" But my screams were muffled by the gushing water towards my face. There was no turning back, my clothes were soaked and I was getting the right and wrong attention, not good. So there this is a journal telling you what a terrible person that I am. But the fun is just getting started. The cops get called, and obviously its not a real party if the cops dont get called. I was freaking out! I wanted so badly to be at home in my bed dreaming and feeling sorry for myself for never being able to do anything. ok yea the party dies down after that and thats fine by me. OH SHIT! I FORGOT! Brooke, I hung out with Brooke like the whole time and I'm so glad that I did! I love her! Shes so friggin awesome! We had a really good time together! But yea I left some stuff out, a lot of nakedness went on and a lot of making out, none of which included myself, which is good, I'm proud of that. So yea I get really emo and talk to Wyatt at a certain point in the night after I find out a bit of information that I didnt want to know. Yea Wyatt is the best, I couldnt be who I am this second without his advice and his words of encouragement. So yea I was really upset, tears flowed a lil bit, so I take the Black and Mild that Wyatt is smoking and I start to smoke it, never smoked before but for some strange reason it made me feel better. Well Wyatts Black and Mild turned into 6 other cigaretts, which made me feel better, and its true they really do make you relieve stress, because I had stress out the ass. Yea I couldnt walk straight, cigaretts make you dizzy as shit when you first start to smoke. But yea Wyatt came all the way back to get me and he even bought me my own cigaretts, which is awesome! I love Wyatt. But yea Wyatt took me to Waffle House to eat, and then he let me crash at his place. What a great guy. Me and Wyatt totally stayed up til like 8 in the morning and talked and talked and it was awesome! I told him that we need to have more sunrise talks. Nothing could compare, nothing could come close or be any better than having an amazing person laying next to you telling you what a great person you are! Nothing. wow, yea I love my friends, I love my life and I love who I am. Nothing is more attractive then having respect for yourself and loving yourself! But I got to stay out, first time ever and its definatly not the last! Absolutly not! But I love you all! I love all my friends and would do anything for you! But I gotta go, I have a huge ass head ache! It sucks! HAPPY 4TH OF JULY!

Time is standing still can you feel it?

2004-07-03T04:46:19Z

Ok I'm tired of keeping things in! This thing needs to become more personal! So here I go! I love Wyatt, I love talking to him for hours or an hour on the phone about the bullshit that girls do to him, and I love him listening to the bullshit that guys do to me! I just love him! I went and ate with Brian the other day, it was fun, we bought CD's and ate Steak and Shake, it was good times. I went to Wigs house on Tuesday and it was so much fun! His bed is so comfortable, its a cuddle bed and he knows it! I love Julia! shes so friggin awesome! We all went to see Spiderman 2, and if you didnt go then you are a douche because it was soo much fun! me and eric "bonded" ok no we didnt but it was sooo much fun laughing at the corniness of the movie and pissing people off for being to loud! ahhh great times! love that guy! I miss being who I used to be. I miss being loud and crazy and obnoxious. I used to be so dorky and so much fun to be around, but then the hurting came. The best friendships got broken and the love was lost. So yea, I dont have best friends anymore. I have my sister, shes my sister though and I love her more than anything, but I just need a new person to come into my life, someone fun and exciting who will love me and hang out with me and be there for me and my emotions go from way up to seriously low. Yea it sucks, my life seems a lil pointless right now. I dont see the silver lining anymore, I used to, I know that it used to be there, I just cant see it anymore. It has been almost a year, a year on the 4th exactly, since I've been entwined in another person, lost in there eyes, feeling their cool breath on my cheek as they sleep. Its been a year since I've felt fireworks of my own. I've lost so many people in a year its insane. I miss having my girls over for sleepovers and for late night gossiping, damn thats depressing. I'm totally depressed now.

Letting everyone down, to lift you up

2004-06-22T05:16:36Z

Late night
Brakes lock
Hear the tires squeal
Red Light
Cant stop
So I spin the wheel
My world goes black before I
Feel an angel lift me up
And I open blood shot eyes
Into florescent white
Flip the siren
Hit the lights
Close the doors and I am gone

Now I lay here owing my life
To a stranger and I realize
That empty words are not enough
Left here with the question of
Just what do I have to show except
The promises I never kept
I lay here shaking on this bed
Under the weight of my regrets
I hope that I will never let you down
I know that this can be more than just
Flashing lights and sounds

Look around and you'll see that at times
It feels like no one really cares
It gets me down but I'm still gonna try to do what's right
I know that there's
A difference between sleight of hand
And giving everything you have
There's a line drawn in the sand
I'm working up the will to cross it
Rhetoric can't raise the dead
I'm sick of always talking when there's no change
I'm sick of empty words
Let's lead and not follow
Late night
Brakes lock
Hear the tires squeal
Red light
Can't stop
So I spin the wheel
My world goes black before I
Feel an angel steal me from the
Greedy jaws of death and chance
And pull me in with steady hands
They've given me a second chance
The artist in the ambulance
Can we pick you off the ground
More than flashing lights and sound

Dood I'm totally listening to Mosh Matt rambling on about some story about Agent Black and its really funny because he cant be loud and hes trying not to laugh! I love Mosh Matt hes my "boyfriend" at least thats what he tells his mom so he wont get grounded. So its all good. I saw dashboard and he was soooo fine! what an amazing show! I miss raigh and I'm buying a house. Ummm I dyed my hair and failed my driving test. I bought a pancake flipper thingy. I miss raigh. and her firebird. Jake the snake ate all the mice and I couldnt save them :( I love Mosh Matt. Hes still laughing. ahhh that kid. Jap owes me coffe and jason owes me some good lovin. Lets see what else do you need to know.....Wyatt is my new best friend and oh yea me and Mosh Matt were seperated at birth, and his dad gave me up for adoption, to my current family now. Were creepy kids. I'm making Mosh Matt watch Harry Potter tomorrow for sure. ooh geez! lol thats Mosh Matt sayings ahh love him! umm eric is sick and has an exclusive dating partner for the first time in forever, my baby boy is growing up! umm I got a kitten named Moo Moo, he looks like a cow. I saw thrice for the first time and now I'm addicted to that artist in the ambulance song, thanks brian. Ummm lets see what else.....I'm totally addicted to Coheed, I'm learning sign language, no seriously I really am. I missed the lake party, thats ok. Ummm I love Agent Black, our hands are beautiful entwined in one. <3 I'm totally giving my son {when i have one} {besides Frank and Earl Jr.} the middle name: Ender. Like Chris Carabba, what a great name. ahhh chris motherfucking carabba. OH after the show the whole "squad" {me jenna janie eric wigwam fattmatt wyatt and jason} ate and we had the best dancing waitress, she was great! but thats all fro now, jenna needs the computer and I need to catch up on my tv time. Until then, now! oh yea if you talk to me, call me tuets, I like that name now, its cool
<333 bye :*:*:*